Not the Guy You Want in your Bed!!
Some RED Flags are harder to ignore than others!
If you have ever woken up next to someone and, as you peel your eyelids open, realized the choices that got you to where you find yourself are questionable—and possibly even regretful—then you are not alone.
In fact, comedians and rom-coms alike have gotten plenty of mileage out of the idea that you would rather chew your own arm off than wake the person snuggled beside you, anchoring it to the bed.
We’ve all had nights that got a little too crazy or a plus-one we dated for all the wrong reasons long after we should have gone our separate ways. Sometimes we ignore the red flags. Sometimes we convince ourselves he isn't that bad. And sometimes we wake up wondering exactly what series of questionable decisions led us here.
But the worst guy I ever found in my bed?
I didn't date him.
I didn't invite him home.
And I can assure you, alcohol had absolutely nothing to do with how he got there.
He dropped out of nowhere, and he was not a welcome guest.
He was a bit hairy and mighty scary to look at.
He didn’t take a hint and was a bit aggressive.
He did not understand boundaries, and it was clear from the start that he definitely wasn't my type.
And when he refused to take a hint, the relationship ended very badly.
Let me take you back to the beginning...
It all started in Cairo, Egypt---
I was in the Air Force, and I was on my first deployment. That entire experience is a story of its own that we may talk about another day. But today, I want to share a story with you about one of my many Egyptian adventures.
We were there doing a joint forces deployment with the Army. Our team came in and built a tent city, and I was thankful that the Air Force provided our accommodations.
If you have ever served in the military, then you know why that sentiment is so true. (IYKYK) I was surely thankful for the creature comforts that came along with it. We had wood floors and air conditioners with fabric air ducts and Velcro vents. It wasn't exactly the Ritz, but as far as tent living went, we were doing all right.
Until one morning.
All of the ladies on our team were getting ready for work when a giant camel spider fell out of the air vent directly above my cot.
And landed.
On.
My.
Bed.
Let me tell you, this guy was HUGE!
As I recall it, his body was about the size of a navel orange with a leg span of eight or ten inches. He was so, so hairy. He had pointy, claw-like pinchers and was utterly terrifying.
Now, before anyone starts fact-checking camel-spider anatomy, let me offer this disclaimer: It was a long time ago, I was partially dressed, and the experience was traumatic. I cannot promise you this description is scientifically accurate.
But that is exactly how I remember it.
So there I stood, clad in my underwear and bra, when this creature from the depths of hell dropped onto the very cot where I was expected to sleep.
Naturally, I began yelling at the top of my lungs.
Then everyone else started yelling.
Within seconds, our tent sounded like we were either being overtaken by the enemy or had been set on fire. Either way, the commotion alerted the guys, who came running to see what in the world was causing the ruckus.
And that's when things got really ridiculous.
We started jumping around and screaming for them to KILL IT!
Then, almost simultaneously, we remembered something rather important.
We weren't dressed.
So now we were screaming for the men to GET OUT!
“Kill it!”
“Get out!”
“Kill it!”
“GET OUT!”
There we were, half-dressed, jumping around like a pack of hyenas, while begging these men to save our lives and demanding that they stop looking at us while they did it.
I honestly don't remember exactly what happened to the spider after that or who ultimately took care of him.
Maybe trauma blocked it out.
But I do know one thing.
That guy had to be manhandled.
Looking back, I suppose there are a few lessons to be learned from my brief and terrifying relationship with that camel spider.
First, when a guy drops into your life uninvited, ignores your boundaries, scares the hell out of you and refuses to leave when asked, there really isn't much left to discuss.
You don't need to give him another chance.
You don't need to wonder if you've misjudged him.
And you certainly don't need to let him spend the night.
Some red flags really are that obvious.
I've encountered a few questionable characters in the years since Cairo, although thankfully most of them had fewer legs. And if life has taught me anything, it's that we sometimes spend entirely too much time trying to decide whether someone deserves a place in our lives when our gut already knows the answer.
Maybe that's the real lesson here.
Whether he's hairy, scary, has eight legs or just has absolutely no business being there—sometimes you don't need to overthink it.
Get the guy out of your bed.
Because if you wake up one morning contemplating chewing your own arm off just to get away from him, chances are the relationship has already gone on too long.
.....And for heaven's sake, check the air-conditioning vent before you go to sleep.
Bless Your Heart,
Magnolia Grace
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